exfoliations is dead

2006-03-01T00:00:00.000-06:00

and with much difficulty, i make this decision. but i think this blog has outlasted its purpose. the dead layers lie all around me. finally cast off. i thank each one of you who have come along side of me in this. whether you offered words of encouragement or insight or just made faces behind the safety of your monitor, you have all touched my life and played a part in the becoming of who i am today. a man ready to walk forth and serve the living god to the utmost.

it's time for something else...

taking it to the street fin

2006-02-28T08:51:00.000-06:00

gleanings from the word fin

2006-02-28T08:50:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol. 27

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gleanings from the word vol.27

2006-02-27T11:52:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol. 26

2006-02-26T02:23:00.000-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.26

2006-02-26T02:22:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol. 25

2006-02-25T00:25:00.001-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.25

2006-02-25T00:25:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol. 24

2006-02-24T09:09:00.000-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.24

2006-02-24T09:03:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol.23

2006-02-23T01:25:00.001-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.23

2006-02-23T01:25:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol. 22

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gleanings from the word vol.22

2006-02-22T08:57:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol. 21

2006-02-21T04:14:00.001-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.21

2006-02-21T04:14:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol.20

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gleanings from the word vol.20

2006-02-20T00:38:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol. 19

2006-02-19T00:47:00.001-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.19

2006-02-19T00:47:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol. 18

2006-02-18T09:54:00.001-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.18

2006-02-18T09:54:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol. 17

2006-02-17T09:04:00.000-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.17

2006-02-17T09:03:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol.16

2006-02-16T00:10:00.001-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.16

2006-02-16T00:10:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol.15

2006-02-15T09:06:00.001-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.15

2006-02-15T09:06:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol. 14

2006-02-14T01:46:00.001-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.14

2006-02-14T01:46:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol. 13

2006-02-13T00:10:00.001-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.13

2006-02-13T00:10:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol.12

2006-02-12T01:43:00.001-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.12

2006-02-12T01:43:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol.11

2006-02-11T00:11:00.001-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.11

2006-02-11T00:11:00.000-06:00

the ketogenic diet

2006-02-10T18:46:00.000-06:00

for those who wanted a link, here is one i found. still not as informative as the book we have, but... you're not going to be on it, now are you? this should suffice.

the ketogenic diet

interstingly enough, the diet started as a result of something a doctor noticed in the scriptures one day.

Mk 9:14-29 When they came to the other disciples, they saw a large crowd around them and the teachers of the law arguing with them. As soon as all the people saw Jesus, they were overwhelmed with wonder and ran to greet him. “What are you arguing with them about?” he asked.
A man in the crowd answered, “Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not.”
“O unbelieving generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me.” So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth. Jesus asked the boy’s father, “How long has he been like this?”
“From childhood,” he answered. “It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”
“ ‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the evil spirit. “You deaf and mute spirit,” he said, “I command you, come out of him and never enter him again! The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, “He’s dead.” But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up.
After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?” He replied, “This kind can come out only by prayer and fasting.’”
(not all manuscripts contain "and fasting." i'm glad the one that this doctor read did, because that's where he got the inspiration)

taking it to the street vol.10

2006-02-10T00:48:00.001-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.10

2006-02-10T00:48:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol.9

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gleanings from the word vol.9

2006-02-09T01:12:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol. 8

2006-02-08T03:06:00.000-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.8

2006-02-08T03:05:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol. 7

2006-02-07T00:38:00.000-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.7

2006-02-07T00:37:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol. 6

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gleanings from the word vol.6

2006-02-06T09:40:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol. 5

2006-02-05T04:08:00.001-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.5

2006-02-05T04:08:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol. 4

2006-02-04T00:54:00.001-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.4

2006-02-04T00:54:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol. 3

2006-02-03T01:42:00.000-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.3

2006-02-03T01:41:00.000-06:00

late breaking post

2006-02-02T03:03:00.000-06:00

read this

taking it to the street vol. 2

2006-02-02T00:59:00.000-06:00

gleanings from the word vol.2

2006-02-02T00:58:00.000-06:00

taking it to the street vol. 1

2006-02-01T01:52:00.000-06:00

have you had any experiences as a result of praying, "surprise me, god" and studying his word that have started leaking out into your physical realm? don't be shy. share them here so that we may "spur one another on towards good deeds."

gleanings from the word vol.1

2006-02-01T01:50:00.000-06:00

don't be afraid if you are the first one here. drop your thoughts on the chapter so we may ponder them together in community. that is what these sections are for.

context

2006-02-01T01:42:00.000-06:00

Jn 21:5-25 He called out to them, “Friends, haven’t you any fish?”
“No,” they answered. He said, “Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.” When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish. Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, “It is the Lord,” he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water. The other disciples followed in the boat, towing the net full of fish, for they were not far from shore, about a hundred yards. When they landed, they saw a fire of burning coals there with fish on it, and some bread. Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish you have just caught.” Simon Peter climbed aboard and dragged the net ashore. It was full of large fish, 153, but even with so many the net was not torn. Jesus said to them, “Come and have breakfast.” None of the disciples dared ask him, “Who are you?” They knew it was the Lord. Jesus came, took the bread and gave it to them, and did the same with the fish. This was now the third time Jesus appeared to his disciples after he was raised from the dead.

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?”
“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.” Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you truly love me?” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.” The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go. Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, “Follow me!” Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, “Lord, who is going to betray you?”) When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?” Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” Because of this, the rumor spread among the brothers that this disciple would not die. But Jesus did not say that he would not die; he only said, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?” This is the disciple who testifies to these things and who wrote them down. We know that his testimony is true. Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written.

are you ready?

2006-01-31T17:47:00.000-06:00

the ascension
pentecost
stoning of stephen
conversion of paul
silver and gold have we none
paul preaching at the ruins

the agony of defeat

2006-01-30T22:42:00.000-06:00

well, it was a valiant effort. but our wild, after going down 4-0 in the first period, were never able to recover. we lost 5-4. zaavan was a little freaked out at first.

but after the action started, he calmed down and was finally able to enjoy himself. thank you for the blessing! it was a wonderful experience that i hope dad and son can repeat in the future.

surprise!

2006-01-30T16:47:00.000-06:00

zaavan and i have been blessed with a pair of tickets to go see the minnesota wild this evening! i'm not sure what to expect. but knowing how much we both love hockey, it should be an amazing time. god is wonderful! surprise!
zaavan watching hockey on tv

surprise me, god

2006-01-28T02:56:00.000-06:00

i heard a gentleman talking on the radio a couple of weeks ago. he was talking about an experiment he had done for thirty days. he woke up every morning and prayed a prayer: "surprise me, god." he has written a book to detail his adventures.
i thought that i would make an experiment of it to coincide with our study of acts coming up. join if you feel lead.

blessings to you all. i'm very much looking forward to this.

would wranglers be considered a dungaree?

2006-01-25T23:33:00.000-06:00

i called my first talk radio show yesterday. the subject was the security measures being taken "in house" by our federal government and "how did we feel about that?"

i called to say that i was not willing to give up liberties for the sake of "freedom". once you give a liberty to the government, people usually have to die before you can get it back. lots of people.

and it's a very slippery slope to begin doing these kinds of things. when you have nothing to hide, it can be easy to give these things up. but what if someday, someone comes into power who despises christians and everything associated with them. he would come into power in a system where you can monitor someone's phone. check someone's e mail. look through someone's belongings. jail someone on the "suspicion" that they may or may not or may even be thinking of doing something wrong. while we're talking terrorists, it can seem all well and good. but what happens if one day YOU are the terrorist? misunderstanding or not, it is now your reality and you have to deal with it. i'm not for it, at any price.

the first host of the show quietly and quickly said something about agreeing with me, almost under his breath. then the second guy started. in the midst of his "freedom" and "safety" rant, he made a statement. hearing it actually stunned me a little. it brought several things to mind, but i just kind of "nodded and smiled" and exited the conversation quickly and graciously.

i did not see a need to wrangle about words in the public forum like that. it may ruin the hearers. and knowing my own limitations of not being able to enter into conversation and debate with anything approaching brevity, i let it go.

"...these guys will keep coming back again and again and again like a cancer. we need to kill them before they kill us."

i have to ask you. what do you think about this? i want your honest reactions. can anyone find a scripture to back up this statement? it was made by a christian, so i was curious if anyone could help me, perhaps, understand another side of the faith that i am missing.

average jew. or... contemplations of the jewish proletariat during the time of jesus.

2006-01-23T10:17:00.000-06:00

i would like to start briefly to say that i have responded to your wonderful responses to my last post. be sure to check it out. discussion can last as long as you desire.

now...

i was thinking the other day about what it would be like to have been one of the jewish commoners during the time that jesus was ministering. it's easy to look back and say that i hope i would have had enough understanding to recognize the christ and put my trust in him. but when i put it in a modern context, i'm not sure if i would have. so think about it.

what if someone walked into your church and said, "everything you know about worshipping god is completely wrong. it will not lead you to the kingdom of god." as i discussed this with a friend, we laughed as he said, "we would tell him we know he was wrong and that we have been warned about people like him!" ...we have been warned about people like HIM...

what a diificult word to accept. i sympathize completely. the jews were THE chosen people. they had the revelation of the one true god. they had the law and the priests and the prophets. they had turned them into traditions, and the traditions had become more important than the truth and character of god.
Mk 7:6-8 He replied, “Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you hypocrites; as it is written: “ ‘These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They worship me in vain; their teachings are but rules taught by men.’ You have let go of the commands of God and are holding on to the traditions of men.”

could i handle it if jesus came and said the same thing to me today? or are things different today? are we the new chosen people and therefore can do no wrong? can we never get off the track? or never set up new traditions that overshadow the word of god? or do we say, "yes, it is possible. let me tell you about other people and how way off base they are..."

"...because they were afraid of the Jews, for already the Jews had decided that anyone who acknowledged that Jesus was the Christ would be put out of the synagogue."
how readily i can relate to the fear of being put out as well as the desire to cover all the bases. i'll believe in him privately, but just in case he's wrong, i don't want my ties with the church to be severed so i can still go to heaven.

and what about the people he grew up with? how can this carpenter's son come back here and say these things? think about any child in your home church that you have watched grow up coming home one day as a grown up saying these things. would you believe?

if this jesus, the real jesus, were here with us, what would he say about our religion? would he be impressed with all of our doctrine and the importance that we place on it? would he be impressed with our desire to stay so "holy" that we will not go into a place like a gay bar or a strip club? where do you think he would go? don't you think he would offend us the same way he did back then? wouldn't we just as readily nail him down?
Mt 23:30-33 "And you say, ‘If we had lived in the days of our forefathers, we would not have taken part with them in shedding the blood of the prophets.’ So you testify against yourselves that you are the descendants of those who murdered the prophets. Fill up, then, the measure of the sin of your forefathers! You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell?"

the only people that jesus readily and vehemently spoke out against were the religious. all sinners he had nothing but time and compassion for. he would draw near with tenderness, heal them, and send them away saying, "make better choices for yoursleves." but the religious, he absolutely scathed. there are too many examples to reprint here. but i say take the time to notice how jesus speaks to the religious the next time you read the gospels. the ones who read the word of god and did their best to live their lives according to the letter of the law and condemn those who did not. because i am one of the religious of my day, and it terrifies me.

so now, when i read the scriptures, i do my best to set aside doctrine. to set aside theological or denominational ties and ask god what he is actually saying here. to find out what this means: Mt 7:3-5 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."

i find it much easier to measure up to our new traditions. do i tithe? do i show up every week? do i keep from swearing? drinking? gambling? do i "believe" in jesus? great. i'm in good. but with whom am i actually "in good?" let us not forget that the same people who cried out "hosanna!" and threw down palm branches at jesus' feet are the same ones who cried out for his blood less than a week later.

in closing, let us consider god's word through jeremiah to his people and ask if it has anything to speak to us today.
Jer. 7:2-11 “ ‘Hear the word of the LORD, all you people of Judah who come through these gates to worship the LORD. This is what the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, says: Reform your ways and your actions, and I will let you live in this place. Do not trust in deceptive words and say, “This is the temple of the LORD, the temple of the LORD, the temple of the LORD!” If you really change your ways and your actions and deal with each other justly, if you do not oppress the alien, the fatherless or the widow and do not shed innocent blood in this place, and if you do not follow other gods to your own harm, then I will let you live in this place, in the land I gave your forefathers for ever and ever. But look, you are trusting in deceptive words that are worthless. “ ‘Will you steal and murder, commit adultery and perjury, burn incense to Baal and follow other gods you have not known, and then come and stand before me in this house, which bears my Name, and say, “We are safe”—safe to do all these detestable things? Has this house, which bears my Name, become a den of robbers to you? But I have been watching! declares the LORD."

tagged

2006-01-19T13:58:00.000-06:00

i was tagged on jan 8th. i am supposed to come up with five things that no one knows about me. at first, it took me a while to even come up with five things as i tend to share pretty freely about what is going on inside of me. once i had come up with five things which no one (or virtually no one, save my wife) knows about me, i was gripped with fear. but after reading hersch's post this morning, i decided to let it out.
you need to understand that i take questions like this seriously. when on a mission trip in '01, a few of us were asked to participate in what was a tradition at the base. to share our "most embarrasing moment." so i did. to share anything less would have been a lie. after my response, they no longer ask that question.

so be warned. i am deeply interested in discussing ANY of these things if you so wish. in fact, i am more crying out for it. it is hard to get people to engage these things seriously as they don't make for good "foyer conversation." so they are things i have hidden away. now, i make them known to you. to share these things is, for me, the same as being naked with you. completely vulnerable. be gentle.

#1. - in discussions about religion, my mother-in-law and i traded books. i gave her the case for christ. she gave me drawing down the moon. according to this book and its definitions, the way i approach spirituality and my practices of it make me a warlock. (on an interesting side note, 13 is supposed to be the perfect number of a coven. the same number of disciples plus jesus. a fact that does not escape the notice of a wicca)

#2. - i do not believe that the bible is the only word of god. i think god is speaking to us all the time. the bible is a guide for us to live by, yes. but i think it is moreover a guide for us to learn how to "hear" god's voice and recognize it as it continues to speak to us today from any and everywhere.

#3. - i would best be described as a universalist. but not in the traditional sense. i do not believe that we are all "saved" (whatever that means), but rather that christ's death was indeed complete for our atonement and that every single individual has received eternal life.

#4. - i am beginning to think that "judgement day" is less about god sentancing us to any particular place so much as us receiving exactly what we desire. so we should be begging him to change our hearts now so that they do not betray us when the eternal choice is given.

#5. - i have found several redeeming things in my dealings with pornography over the years. things like fantasy, openness, vulnerability, and comfortability with my sexuality and desire. great things happen when you are willing to share these things with your wife and she, in turn, is willing to listen to you without judgement. to allow you to be open and vulnerable instead of having to hide these things away to fester in the darkness. to aid you in bringing them into the light. it helped me to understand what i was truly looking for in these places, and how i can begin to find them in her instead of looking to an external source. (i could, and probably should, write several more things on this point to clarify, but i won't. i'll leave it as is for now.)

so there they are. i'm now hanging out there. as i said, if you desire further conversation or clarification on any of these things, i am indeed open and crying out for it. i will now put my robe back on.

prayer, please.

2006-01-18T20:49:00.000-06:00

if i may ask, yet again, zaavan needs your prayers. he came down with a cold over a week ago and it has been getting progressively worse and worse. now his mucus is so thick he is aspirating it and it is filling his stomach causing prolonged and painful periods of retching. if you think of him, please pray. thanks.

the ones who didn't go

2006-01-16T10:15:00.000-06:00

in thinking about the disciples whom jesus called to himself, i began to wonder. were the ones who came the only ones he called? or are they the only ones we know of because they were the ones who were willing to follow?

i am thankful that scripture does leave us a few examples of this. we have the more well known stories of moses and jonah. both who try to convince god that he's got the wrong guy, but eventually, after much persuasion, they reluctantly accept their call. then we have a more mysterious tale of this nature.

abram's (abraham's) father terah. it didn't strike me right away, but after a few readings of genesis, god pointed out something. Ge.11:31-32, "Terah took his son Abram, his grandson Lot son of Haran, and his daughter-in-law Sarai, the wife of his son Abram, and together they set out from Ur of the Chaldeans to go to Canaan. But when they came to Haran, they settled there. Terah lived 205 years, and he died in Haran."

did you catch that? "together they set out...to go to canaan." isn't this where god asks abram to go later? so the question for me is this: did god originally ask terah? of course now, we'll never know. all we do know is that they had set out for canaan, but settled in haran. and there, stuck in haran by his own choice, terah died. immediately after terah's death, the very next passage is this,
Ge 12:1-5 The LORD had said to Abram, “Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you. I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.”
So Abram left, as the LORD had told him; and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he set out from Haran. He took his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, all the possessions they had accumulated and the people they had acquired in Haran, and they set out for the land of Canaan, and they arrived there.

have i settled in (or, rather, settled for) haran? as heirs with christ, we have many similar and even more amazing promises made to us if we will go. is there somewhere in my life where i refuse to "go"? something that is too comfortable or perhaps too precious or perhaps i just don't wish to give up? are my sacrifices to god truly white elephant gifts? things that i really don't mind getting rid of? but not the really good stuff. that's the stuff i keep in my private storehouses.

jesus told a parable of two sons.
Mt 21:28-31 “What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’ “ ‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went. “Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but he did not go.
“Which of the two did what his father wanted?” “The first,” they answered. Jesus said to them, “I tell you the truth, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you."

according to jesus, action is more important than confession. simply having the correct answer is not what god is looking for. apparently, our theology is not as important as our obedience. "For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

forgive me, lord. forgive me my apathy. forgive me my greed. forgive me for my unwillingness to lay down my life. forgive me for my unwillingness to "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles" in order to "run with perseverance the race marked out for us." "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood."

it's the last part that really cuts me to the core because of it's truthfulness. i have never resisted to the point of shedding blood. in too many ways, i accept enough of the world and profess it to keep myself out of harm's way. the same as peter. it's so easy when i am safe to say, "i would die with you before deny you, lord!" yet, with as much freedom as i have in the place i live, why do i allow a trivial thing like embarassment to hinder me? how hard do you think the enemy laughs at us when he sees how ineffectual we are made from an imaginary thing like embarassment when people all around the world maintain their testimony in the face of great physical torture and persecution? even to the point of death.

more and more, lord, you knock on my heart with this. begging me to know what this means.
Mt 16:25-27 "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what he has done."

quote for the day

2006-01-12T09:02:00.000-06:00

someone may ask, "but why should i rise early?" to remain too long in bed is a waste of time. wasting time is unbecoming a saint who is bought by the precious blood of jesus. his time and all he has is to be used for the lord. if we sleep more than is necessary for the refreshment of the body, it is wasting the time the lord has entrusted to us to be used for his glory, for our own benefit, and for the benefit of the saints and unbelievers around us.
- george muller

me or You

2006-01-11T01:00:00.000-06:00

i just saw revenge of the sith for the first time. it is the only one of the films i did not see on the big screen. my parents brought the family to see the original at the drive in. i was 2 years old at the time.

as i watched, i understood the sturggle so clearly. the power of the spirit realm is able to change and to shape. yet, because there is more than one spirit, and not all of them good, it also has the power to twist and destroy.

as i seek to do great things for god and his kingdom here, the question that must always remain before me is this:

whom do i wish the celebrity to be?

a tale of two disciples

2006-01-09T21:31:00.000-06:00

in contemplating and praying about disagreements, this came to me.

let's look at two of the disciples whom jesus personally chose to be close to him and witness him. one - simon the zealot. the other - matthew the tax collector.
at the time, this would have been close to choosing fred phelps and ANY homosexual together in a small group bible study.

simon was a zealot. part of a group of men who viewed rome as the ultimate oppressor. they were waiting on the messiah to be the violent overthrower and conquerer of said oppressors. and until the messiah came, they did their fair share of trying to bring about a violent overthrow on their own. they hated everything about the roman occupation. it was a supreme insult that they should be ruled by such "godless" men.

matthew was a tax collector. and a jew. one of god's chosen people helping to further the cause and possibility of the oppressors. the ultimate traitor. or so a zealot would say.

i'm sure they had more than a few interesting discussions around the campfire on many a night. but not a single one of them is recorded for us in the scriptures. apparently, they just either weren't that profound, or they weren't that important.
but we do know one thing about them for sure. they both had met and fallen in love with jesus. and jesus changed them completely. after that fact, none of the incidentals were important. so whenever we come together to discuss anything, let us not forget simon the zealot and matthew the tax collector.

interesting that the first book about the church is called "acts" and not "beliefs"

2006-01-04T06:07:00.000-06:00

to my dearest...

as i contemplate this new year and a new chance of getting to know god more as well as what he desires from my life, i remembered something. an idea i had that never came to fruition in my local church. so now, i'll throw it our to you...

what about studying the book of acts together in the month of february? feb has twenty eight days as well as acts has twenty eight chapters. as i see it, it would be a daily get together studying a chapter a day and then sharing with one another what the passage has spoken to each of us as well as our daily adventures and how this book begins to shape our lives and how we live them daily. for some reason, i get the impression that this is more how the original church lived.

when i first had this thought, no one else thought it was exciting. mostly i just heard words like "schedules" and "unrealistic". but this year, i am a part of a community that gathers daily in various places, and i thought perhaps you all might be down for putting our blogging community to good use.

so... do this interest anyone but me?

testing...is this thing on?

2006-01-02T00:40:00.000-06:00

first the text

1Jn 4:1-6 Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.
This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world. You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. They are from the world and therefore speak from the viewpoint of the world, and the world listens to them. We are from God, and whoever knows God listens to us; but whoever is not from God does not listen to us. This is how we recognize the Spirit of truth and the spirit of falsehood.

now the message

i have been thinking about the first verse of this passage off and on all day long. but once i looked up the verse that had been going through my head, i felt the rest of the passage was strongly relevant and have given the whole thing for context. anyway...

john gives three statements. the first, "...do not believe every spirit..."
the second, "...but test the spirits to see whether they are from God..."
and the third, "...because many false prophets have gone out into the world."

"...do not believe every spirit..." - come again? did i get that right? it sounded like you said something about believing spirits. what exactly do you mean by 'believe'? and what exactly do you mean by 'spirit'? am i just supposed to have some sort of 'belief in' or is it more that i actually believe, or rather , listen to them? wouldn't that involve communicating with spirits? i know that's sinful, it's what i've always been told.
and how about the fact that he says not to believe every spirit. to me, this seems to follow that he is expecting us to not only believe (meaning 'listen to') spirits, but MORE THAN ONE. what!?

"...but test the spirits to see whether they are from God..." - again, what is he talking about here. is he suggesting communication with spirits here? because it sure sounds like it to me. and if he is, what kind of religion are we dealing with here? it seems to me a far cry from the evangelicalism of my youth. but at the same time, it seems to make so much sense. if the spirit of god is a, um, spirit, and we're SUPPOSED to be listening and obeying the spirit, (correct?) how can we keep from consorting with spirits? and in the course of listening for the spirit of god, you need to leave your receiver on and listening. always. damn right. if i've been told to keep alert and watchful, you best believe i'm going to be tuned into world of the spirit radio 24/7. this is what life is truly all about anyway, isn't it? the world of the spirit? isn't that the kingdom of god? is not our god a spirit? the MOST HIGH god? anyway...
while listening for the spirits of god, we will be exposed to any manner of spirits. some of whom are 'for' us, and some of whom are 'against' us. because in truth, our physical realm is just a place where everything is being manipulated by spiritual forces. bob dylan was right. "you gotta serve somebody. may be the devil, or it may be the lord, but you gotta serve somebody." it doesn't matter whether we like it or agree with it, but our actions, according to the scriptures, put us into one of two camps.

and then i started thinking... i don't know exactly how it started, but at one point in my churched adolesence, i got a picture of god in my mind. and this picture was painted by the actions and words of those around me. i got the impression that god was sort of judgemental and very picky about rules, especially those that have been made by us.
now listen, i'm not trying to degrade my upbringing in any way. i believe my parents to be excellent models of a marriage that is in submission to god and his will. not perfect. but defintitely a couple on the way. it wasn't them. but somewhere in my plasticy, sterile, 'hot button' lesson plans through my years of sunday school, i got an impression of god that was domineering and condemning.
but now...

but now, i sense something much deeper. something much greater. somewhere along the line, a voice inside grabbed ahold of me. he didn't have to shout, he just had to say, "come here man, you gotta hear this..." the older i get, and the more i study the scriptures, the less the world makes sense, but the clearer this voice gets. come to think of it, it's not even a voice. but it's definitely communication.

"...because many false prophets have gone out into the world." - so what am i to think, now? it would be folly of me to stand here and now put my foot down on absolute truth and say, this is how it is! because that's not what i want. i'm just tired of fighting amongst ourselves. i don't know how much more clearly jesus could have put it. it's not about the externals. deal with the internal and the external will follow. however, i think that as we all seek to follow this, we feel like idiots and we are scared and we need someone to agree with us in order to follow. and there is wisdom in seeking counsel because there are some who have believed the wrong spirits and gotten off the path. but at the same time, the people that the bible champions as being pinnacles of faith are those who would be told they are clearly insane and NOT hearing from god. oh, wait. that is what most of them were told.

"noah, i'm going to drown the world, build a big-ass boat and i'll save your family and 2 of each animal..." (later) noah's wife, "who told you to do what? are you outta your damn mind!?"

abraham to sarah: "um, honey. isaac and i are going for an afternoon stroll into the mountains." sarah, "sounds nice. you guys need to spend some time together. just be home before dinner."

tell me. what is it like to be noah? or abraham? what would you tell sarah? how would you? how could i even look erin in the eye and take zaavan out the door with the intent of killing him because the MOST HIGH god had told me to? parents, can any of you tell me how deep that struggle would be in your heart? i know we like to say that if we thought we 'heard' any nonsense like that to dismiss it because it just can't be god. the confusing thing is that it clearly is. yet others say it isn't. who am i to believe?

because i get the impression that if you believe that you are hearing from god, you need to do something about it. now matter how popular or unpopular that choice may be. high school's over now.

much love.

the gathering in visual

2005-12-31T03:52:00.000-06:00

balderdash as catapault for social interactions
little bro from the dirty south and zaavan
generosity from georgia
one of my new favorites
merry christmas and happy new year

preparation for resolution

2005-12-29T14:11:00.000-06:00

if you have not seen either of these, they are definitely worth a lookie loo. happy new year.

roll call

2005-12-22T12:14:00.000-06:00

i'm taking a small break to spend some more time with family before the end of the year. i just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has come alongside me, if only for a brief moment, to share in this journey with me. thank you (in chronological order) to:
frugalpole, a-wix, missionyeargirl(rachel), melody, lexi, jen, erin, wantingmore, andrew zirschky, dee, roSeS, little bro from the Dirty South, tessa, dougfuls, dbach, nate, julie, sis from the far west, the next girl on the makeline, beth, cheryl, paul, wendy from the F shot, herschel, michael tosh, erik, and sam.

once again, thank you all. a couple of small tidbits to chew on in my absence. originally, they received an underwhelming response, but i feel that the ideas may play a greater part in my life in the coming year.
good times
revisitations

enjoy the remainder of your year. celebrate the king. jON

blog made flesh

2005-12-19T23:06:00.000-06:00

before we begin, i want you to try to picture me sitting in front of you. go ahead, i'll wait...

there. that's better. hi. it's me. i'm right here with you now. this is how i prefer to speak to people. not just surfacy, but deep and real. sharing the most intimate parts of my heart and thoughts so that we may discuss and grow and shape one another. but at the same time, i realize that a big portion of myself is lost in words only. you don't get the animation. you can't hear the tone of voice or see the expression and body language. so it seems to keep things at a "distance" for most. hard to identify with completely. dead pan humor does not always come across as well on the page.
and then i wondered. what if that's what jesus was. god's blog. but instead of word only, that word was wrapped in flesh, so that we wouldn't miss those small but important means of communication. a person so completely yielded to the spirit of god that he will do anything god asks at any moment. being able to put a face and a body to the invisible god.
as i pictured a set of big hands typing away and a person immediately saying and doing what was typed out it became a very interesting thought. it made me think of jesus talking to his disciples at the end of john. it created a very different scene. it made jesus' responses seem almost comical. to imagine god the invisible furiously typing and trying to get these guys to get it.
Jn 14:9-10 Jesus answered: Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you are not just my own. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work.
god sitting there and saying as best he can to these men who he is and yet they can't quite get their heads around it. i'm not sure if that does anything for y'all or if you understand what i'm trying to communicate through these white words, but that did it for me. and i wondered. what kind of a ride could we go on if we lived in total submission to the spirit of god at every moment. always following his leading. with a person like that, god can go anywhere. with most, god can only go to the suburbs. or the mall. sad but true. not saying the people in those places don't need to know god, but very few of us seem to volunteer to forsake the world and speak truth before the leaders of the nations. not as a lawyer or a politician. not to legislate morality. but as an ambassador of the kingdom of god, unashamed and unafraid. it is something that is being birthed in me right now. and i'm trying to get my mind around it. trying to get to a place of utter dependance on the father and a place of yieldedness. i'm sure it's quite a ride.
can you really imagine being elijah? elisha? moses? stephen? saul of tarsus called paul? to go and see and do and experience the things that they did. amazing things happen when we yield our will. it seems to me that this was god's intention and jesus was the prototype. what if our world was populated with people who were totally yielded and allowed god to type out an amazing scene in this world. how much different would this world be? how much more beautiful? let it come, lord. let it come.

i'm alright, don't nobody worry 'bout me

2005-12-19T17:23:00.000-06:00

zaavan is finally himself again. thank you for your prayers. it was very important and meaningful to not have to bring him to the hospital, but rather care for him at home. it is an adventure to be zaavan's parents. this type of child doesn't come with a manual of any sort. or even advice from magazines or others parents that's relevant most times. largely, caring for him is entirely impromtu. but god is always faithful and leads us where we need to go. as i said the last time he was in the hospital, i felt that except for the IV and the pulse/oxygen monitor, erin and i give him better care at home. this time, i simply felt lead to "be the IV". it worked. it was long hours of care, but it was an amazing bonding experience of servanthood. i found that i loved having him sleep in my arms for hours at a time as i meticulously and slowly pumped fluid into him.

just wanted you all to know, we're doing fine. thanks again.

once again

2005-12-14T14:16:00.000-06:00

zaavan has fallen ill again, though not as serious as the last. it seems that a vulnerable boy such as himself has a lot to catch in the public school setting. i do know that it is necessary for his development of an immune system, but it can be difficult to observe when feeling powerless to change the situation instantly. if he crosses your heart sometime during the day, please send an intercession up for him. thanks.

...it seemed relevant

2005-12-13T03:27:00.000-06:00

"let me tell you right now. the number one reason people hate america. the number one reason... is because of our religion. americans worship money. we worship money. separate god from schools. separate god from work. separate god from government. but on your money it says, 'in god we trust.' all my life i've been looking for god. he's right in my pocket."
- Chris Rock

enough!

2005-12-12T00:51:00.000-06:00

i just wanted to share a little bit of background on where all this is coming from. a few weeks ago i saw a commercial on television. it was an add for a car that will talk to you and the example they gave was the car telling it's owner that it was time for an oil change. viewing it actually made me ill. something in me snapped. "enough!", my heart cried. it was at that moment that i had reached my capacity. i wanted no more. i don't want another single advance or new product that this world has to offer. not only do i not want anything new, i'm beginning to not want what i already have. i just don't want any of it anymore. since the moment that my heart cry was finally, "enough!", i have been on an intense ride of growth. several scriptures have been brought to mind, but for now i will share but a few.
1PE 4:1-3 "Therefore, since Christ has suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same purpose, because he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. For the time already past is sufficient for you to have carried out the desire of the Gentiles..."
think about that for a second and let it sink in. the time already past is sufficient for you... nothing else the world has to offer is worth your time. we've seen it all. we've done it all. and this is the verdict..."all is futility."

Rev. 18:2-5 “Fallen! Fallen is Babylon the Great!
She has become a home for demons
and a haunt for every evil spirit,
a haunt for every unclean and detestable bird.
For all the nations have drunk
the maddening wine of her adulteries.
The kings of the earth committed adultery with her,
and the merchants of the earth grew rich from her excessive luxuries.”
Then I heard another voice from heaven say:
“Come out of her, my people,
so that you will not share in her sins,
so that you will not receive any of her plagues;
for her sins are piled up to heaven,
and God has remembered her crimes.

are you hearing me so far? i am beginning to believe that all this stuff we accumulate is very intimately tied into this monster that we ALL keep feeding. if we buy, it is OUR FAULT that this beast has life. and i started to think about the money i spend and what i spend it on. and what i think would be a more eternal use of the money i have and i began to come up short. not without justification, of course. i always have a good reason for hearing and not doing.

Mt 5:48 "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."
Mt 19:21-23 "Jesus answered, 'If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.' When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.'"
Lk 14:16-24 Jesus replied: "A certain man was preparing a great banquet and invited many guests. At the time of the banquet he sent his servant to tell those who had been invited, ‘Come, for everything is now ready.’ But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said, ‘I have just bought a field, and I must go and see it. Please excuse me.' Another said, ‘I have just bought five yoke of oxen, and I’m on my way to try them out. Please excuse me.’ Still another said, ‘I just got married, so I can’t come.’ The servant came back and reported this to his master. Then the owner of the house became angry and ordered his servant, ‘Go out quickly into the streets and alleys of the town and bring in the poor, the crippled, the blind and the lame.’ ‘Sir,’ the servant said, ‘what you ordered has been done, but there is still room. Then the master told his servant, ‘Go out to the roads and country lanes and make them come in, so that my house will be full. I tell you, not one of those men who were invited will get a taste of my banquet.’"

i've got to tell you, this stuff is leaving me speechless. i'm beginning to think that i didn't even really know what christianity was. or is. or is supposed to be. action. verb. heart.

Rev 2:4-5 "Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place."
Mt 6:24 "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."

lord, i am so, so sorry. i didn't fully understand. but i am beginning to. help me to walk away. thank you for breaking the chains of my desires for the things of this world. things that will burn. i don't need anything else to be my all. to be my joy. to be my rescue from boredom. when we serve you, there is always more to be done. the harvest is ripe, but the workers are few. without pointing the finger outwards at anyone else, lord, point it at me. i admit i have not gone. i put my hand to the plow, but so often i look back. forgive me. forgive me for my apathy and complancency. forgive me for my greed and my lust and my desire to sit on the throne and decree what parts of your word i will follow to the letter and which parts i won't. this world is desparate for revival. for true worshippers. who will pour themselves out unto death. may it begin with me.

Mk 8:35 "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."

brothers and sisters, help me out. am i way off here?

more...

2005-12-08T14:12:00.000-06:00

i am by no means trying to stop the conversation about our hearts and the american christmas. please, let's keep it going. i was just e mailed this by an elder and wanted to share it. check it out

let the grinch keep it

2005-12-06T00:21:00.000-06:00

i've really been troubled by the american celebration of the holiday termed christmas for a few years. this year, however, i am especially troubled. i'm hearing a lot about how so many stores are trying to be p.c. and not using the word christmas. or how carols and nativities are being banned illegaly. even a few admonishments to spend your christmas dollars at stores that aren't afraid to recognize christmas. the assertion is that we should be upset because christ is the center of christmas and the world needs to give props. but i wonder. why do we even participate in the worldly celebration at all? if we want to send a statement about the holiday, why don't we just give it all back for a year?
and what i mean is this. how about we don't do ANYTHING "traditional" for christmas? no presents. no decorations. no holiday parties. no stress. what do you say? obviously, it's too late this year. how about we start a grass roots movement for next year? it would work. i swear, if EVERY SINGLE PERSON who claimed to be a christian did not spend christmas money next year, we would bring the economy to its knees. suddenly, businessmen would listen and care. just a way to say, "if you don't celebrate christmas, neither will we." at least not in traditional ways. and when economists and c.e.o.s are all huddling and scratching their heads on december 25th, they hear a strange noise. "every who down in who-ville, the tall and the small, was singing! without any presents at all! he hadn't stopped christmas from coming! IT CAME! somehow or other, it came just the same!" a noise of celebration as we all join hands and celebrate the true meaning of christmas.

but i wonder. would people actually do it? could people go without their traditions for just one year? i have a great fear that for all our talk, christmas really isn't about christ at all anymore. i have a fear that if all people had for christmas was christ, they would be upset or disappointed. maybe that's just the cynic in me. but i'm still going to try to start an uprising all the same. how about it. next year. just one year. don't do ANYTHING you would normally do to engage in the american celebration of christmas. (i can give up watching a christmas story for one year) then on the day, gather together with friends, family, whoever and celebrate the king. all day.
anyone else willing to give it a shot personally and spread the word as well? or do you have different thoughts? i want to know!

characters vol. 3

2005-11-30T00:50:00.000-06:00

though there have been several other people in the scriptures that i have identified with, the last i will share that has come through with the most startling revelation and clarity for me are the crowds. the ones who came out when they heard jesus was passing through because they, or someone they loved, were in need of healing.
i had not thought much about it before other than to think about it in modern terms and think what a circus and following a person who could heal ANYTHING could garner. i can't even imagine the size of the crowds that would turn out. and the intensity of the desparation and pleading would have to be overwhelming. especially in this day and age of rising medical costs and increasing swing in western medicine towards symptom control rather than cures.
then zaavan came along. one day i was reading through the gospels and i was there. i wondered. what would i do? here at last. here at last, according to the word on the street, was the answer to all of my son's ailments. would i try to press through the innumerous throng just to touch zaavan to the hem of jesus' garment? would i cut a hole in the roof of the home jesus was in and lower zaavan down if i could not get near? or would i shout at the top of my lungs with tears streaming down my face and praying with all my might that this man would turn and notice us? "SON OF DAVID, HAVE MERCY! HAVE MERCY! please, lord. my son has not walked or talked since birth. he commonly has seizures that grip him and the medications that he needs to give him only partial control of these are toxic to his system at the levels he needs. please heal him. i believe, lord. help my unbelief!"
some days, when praying for zaavan, the only words i find are these. son of david, have mercy.

yet through it all, i know that god is good. for the light that pours forth from my son is unmistakable in the way it shapes me and points me back to the father and his heart at every turn. and i rest in this knowledge. one day. whether here, or in the kingdom; one day everything will be made right. and my son will dance with his own body and praise god with his own voice. what a day that will be.

i went to cornerstone. twice. one bad pig was there. both times.

2005-11-21T03:48:00.000-06:00

if you've never been, it's an amazing experience. and i wonder. is heaven going to be like that? i mean, at a great concert where you throw complete abandon to the wind and WORSHIP, it's a very powerful and very wonderful thing. and then i was wondering. what if it were like that every day. what if every day you could just wander around and hang out with the coolest people you have ever met in your life. people who totally, "get" you. before a word is off your lips. you don't even have to speak because you already know what each other is experiencing. it's a beautiful day and the god is exceptionally euphoric.
seriously. if we are going to have resurrected BODIES, i would have to think that we have more than some frame of refernce. even a tiny bit. a new heaven and a new earth. with the greatest city in the world. the new jerusalem. the kingdom of god is a PARTY and on that day, MAN! we're gonna blow the DOORS off this universe! THE WAR IS OVER!
then, inside, you have eternity to find your niche among everyone. that one place where you can be TOTALLY yourself without other crap that drains your time and energy and emotion and creative, loving, joyful, peaceful, kind, gentle, and self-controlled behavior you work so hard to cultivate.
and of course going to work would be a blast. being able to know that your hard efforts were going forth to build a world in which you want to live very bad and you actually get to see the fruits of your labors. a world that you ACTUALLY want to live in with all your heart. and you get to live there forever.
a place where you can play a great show and then run sound for your friends' show and then go see another friends art show or go hear the poets. (stop for an apple break, oh here's one right here) a place where you don't need to sleep. just experience the truly best things about life. look out, a spontaneous worship circle has broken out! hunker down, gang. the previous one lasted a millenia.

but outside, are the rest of the people. people who don't take this seriously. people who think they can do whatever they want without learning anything from their mistakes. people who want to fill their cravings without regard. they are left to a life that is truly not life forever by their own doing.
we simply get life again, this time, eternal life and god finally separates the wheat from the chaff. everyone else thinks they're partying and getting to do whatever they want forever without any "christians" messing up their fun! and so they up and have a party of their own, just to show us what partying really is. but things go horribly wrong. there's a lot of vomiting. a lot of meaningless relationships and not a single person is faithful to one another. not a lot of real productive work gets done so everything is run down and shabby and there's poverty and starvation everywhere. some party you guys threw. thanks a lot, bob.
but that "light", that "fun" isn't actually light or life and the despair breaks in as they are willfully bound to their choices that they just won't undo on their own. if only they would for a second, the curse would be lifted, but they choose to stay in self hardened immaturity forever.

how in the world can you want to miss this party? seriously, EVERYONE'S INVITED. you have NO IDEA who's on the guestlist, but it doesn't matter. only the most RIGHTEOUS people will be inside. i guarantee it. so make sure you R.S.V.P.
you're super cool, all of you, and i want to meet you all there finally. because i'm sure, from what little i know of you all, i will definately bump into you somewhere.

home at last

2005-11-19T02:47:00.000-06:00

on behalf of zaavan, erin, and myself, i would like to graciously thank everyone for coming to our aid in prayer this past week. when people pray for us it is, to me, the greatest gift that we can be given. not just because people would go before the throne on our behalf, which is humbling enough. but because people give of the greatest resource that each of us have been alotted to do so. time.
so once again. thank you. if any of you ever need intercession for anything, please do not hesitate to ask. i think the online community gives us such a great resource for being connected to the body of christ at large around the globe. don't be afraid to be transparent and tap that resource. hopefully i can echo eveyone's sentiment when i say, "that's what we're here for".

characters vol. 2

2005-11-18T00:09:00.000-06:00

somtimes, life changes in a moment. not small things you weren't expecting, i mean big things that affect the rest of your life that happen in a heartbeat. like 3am on sept. 5th, 2002. it was the evening after zaavan was born. we had placed him in the nursery for the night and tried to get some sleep. the nurse walked in the room and said, "i'm sorry, but your son has stopped breathing. we had to intebate him." it was only a quick moment, but life has never been the same since.

a couple of days later was a sunday. i told my wife that i needed to go and worship, but i would be back to the NICU with her as soon as it was over. that morning i didn't need to open my heart. it was so broken, it was spilling its contents out onto the altar every moment without even trying. as i stood there worshiping, the only intercession i could beg was to weep and silently say, "my son...my son...my son..." over and over. as the words went on, i realized they were being echoed by another voice. by a voice that had said those same words in the same way nearly two thousand years ago. i knew now that he understood completely, and i for once, understood him. as soon as i realized i was in sync, i stopped and simply said, "please. please heal my son so that i may bring him to your house next week." i then had a vision. i saw a pair of arms pick up my son and place him on an altar. although i did not see a face, i got the distinct impression that life was being breathed into his body from the mouth of the almighty. at the end of this moment i felt a weight lifted off of my chest.
when i was reunited with my family, i was delighted to learn that he had fed for the first time and was making a turnaround. within 5 days, he was home. in time to go to the house of the lord and worship with his father.

getting better

2005-11-16T22:13:00.000-06:00

zaavan is much more himself today. though he is not 100%, he made it through the whole day without retching. he has begun receiving small amounts of pedialyte that have been gradually increasing all day. if he is able to tolerate some pediasure tomorrow and get back up to a full feed, we will be able to bring him home on fri. no disrespect to the medical community, but with the exception of the pulse/oxygen monitor and the IV, i think we give him better care at home. which brings me to an interesting side note to this whole story.
yesterday, erin had to step out to run some errands and i stayed in the room with a passed out zaavan quietly reading my bible. the doctor came in and beamed from ear to ear. he told me how encouraging it was to see someone in my situation with my son in the hospital as bad as he was still taking time to read the word. he said it let him further know that he has nothing to complain about in life. he then asked how having a son like zaavan had affected my faith. then he gave me testimony of a friend who just the day before had finally come to the end of a series of trials that had lasted 3 1/2 years. the fellowship went on for an hour. it was great and very unlike any conversation i've ever had with a doctor in any hospital, anywhere.
this morning, my brother-in-law and pastor (one and the same) stopped by to see us. at the end of our visit we had a time of prayer. as we finished and opened our eyes, the doctor was standing in the room beaming from ear to ear again. he said that since he knew zaavan was covered in prayer, we would take a little different approach to his recovery. later, when the new nurse came on after the doctor walked out of the room, we asked her what she knew of the plans from the doctor. she said, "it's weird. usually doctors are so detailed in what they want us to do. he just said, 'do whatever the mother and father tell you to do.' and come to think of it, i've never seen him here before."

characters vol.1

2005-11-16T00:43:00.000-06:00

over the past three years, in the course of zaavan's life (in utero and beyond) i have had moments where i have identified with characters from the bible in startling clarity. the first one i will share is joseph, mary's husband, and jesus' adoptive father.
it was christmas of '02 and when i heard the familiar story from luke, suddenly, joseph came through with startling clarity. i could easily see myself in his shoes. first of all, being disgruntled at a government forced trip back to my hometown just for a census. not to mention the fact that the trip had to be made when my wife was nine months pregnant. to top it off, she goes into labor in transit. i don't know about you, but i love my wife. i hate to see her in any sort of discomfort and go to great lengths to alleviate it with whatever i have in my power. yet there she is, ready to deliver riding on the back of a donkey under the blistering sun in israel in july. "don't worry, honey. we're almost there."

finally, we're there.

"i need a room."
"nope. all full."
"sorry, honey. we've got to try somewhere else. can i get you anything? can i do anything for you?" i try to offer comfort, but it's useless. true comfort is something i don't have in my hands at this moment. we move on.
"please, i need a room."
"i don't have anything. we're all full."
and so it goes. things are getting desperate now as we move from place to place.

"i need a room."
"no can do. we're all full from the census."
"please. we're desperate. don't you have anything?"
"sorry. there's nothing i can do."
"please. PLEASE! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! MY WIFE IS IN LABOR! WE NEED SOMEWHERE, ANYWHERE! I DON'T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO TURN! WE'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE AND NO ONE HAS ANYTHING TO OFFER US! please...have mercy." this last part being choked as the tears of exhaustion break through the wall of my public facade and my true heart starts to show. the impromptu show of emotion must touch his heart as he offers us a place in his stable, which is really just a cave for the animals. feeling worn out, but feeling selfish for feeling worn out when i know what my wife is enduring, i run back to the donkey to break the news. glad to have something to offer, but feeling that it is woefully inadequate to begin to match what either my wife or this moment deserves. she is not thrilled, but is in no position to argue for once.
we jockey for position among the animals and straw and slop and feces. strangely, the animals do not argue, but move aside with an odd quiet. the time is upon us. "you're doing great honey, you're almost done. just a little more. i love you. push! push!!!"
the pain is forgotten rapidly as we laugh from exaustion and joy at our beautiful child. and at the faithfulness of our god. though it was not our first choice, in the hour of our need, he has come through for us yet again. and there, in the midst of the ugliness, something beautiful is born.

so are the days...

2005-11-15T02:59:00.000-06:00

things can change so rapidly. it's one thing about living that never stops amazing me. things change so fast. some things you saw in the distance and thought they would take longer to show up, but knew they were coming. other things come out of left field.

zaavan is in the hospital again. he fell ill with some sort of virus that has been hanging on for days dehydrating him through excessive diarrhea and extreme retching which over salivates him and coats his throat in mucasy foam which he starts inhaling and then he can't ctach his breath and he passes out only to wake up, start retching and start the cycle over again. please be in prayer for him. knowing every time he falls ill that this could be "it" is something i have to deal with. just ask that it not be today.

still rockin'

2005-11-09T16:44:00.000-06:00

update on zaavan's "vital stim" therapy. 118 swallows today. right on.

they're using words like rock star and poster boy

2005-11-08T17:17:00.000-06:00

yesterday, zaavan started what is known as "vital stim" or "e stim" therapy. he has electrodes taped to his neck which stimulate the muscles responsible for swallowing. it only takes 72 hours for these muscles to atrophy, and he hasn't really eaten anything by mouth in 10 months. the main reason for the therapy is that during his last swallow study it was discovered he is aspirating, or breathing in the things he attempts to swallow. this can be dangerous and runs risk of the obvious, choking to death, as well as greater risks of pneumonia which, if prolonged, can be life threatening as well.

so, having said all of that, he started this relatively new treatment yesterday. the hospital has only been doing it about a year, so they don't have a whole lot of data yet and are working on collecting more and doing reports. what his goal was yesterday was to be able to have 5 good swallows within an hour. the overall goal at the end of two weeks was to be up to 30 swallows in an hour. yesterday, his first day, he did over 50. today, he did 63. his therapists are stunned speechless. they are seriously considering him to be the poster boy for this new treatment, but it's too early to say what the end result will be. we were only hoping to help make sure he doesn't choke to death. at this rate, if he keeps the positive momentum, he may be able to sustain himself orally and won't need g-tube feedings at all any more. what do you think? how would this face look on a brochure?

anyone surprised?

2005-11-05T18:29:00.000-06:00

apparently I am Romans.

Which book of the Bible are you?

thank god for vomit

2005-11-05T09:55:00.000-06:00

i'm sure that this is my perspective given my age, resilience, and the age of medicine in which i live. given all of these factors, the flu, or flu-like diseases are not life threatening to me. the reason i find them wonderful is because they are a free day off. if you have a cold, your boss or co workers may expect you to still come in and perform. but if you're puking, you have just been given a get out-of-your-work-related-responsibilities free card. i don't know about you, but i would trade some retching for work any day. but that's me.
along those lines, i only had two more days of work as a manager and it was taking forever. when you have a job that requires every single mental, emotional, and physical capacity you have to make it work properly, it can be hard to muster those energies once you have decided not to do it anymore. this thur. we took zaavan to the doctor because he had a fever off and on for a few days. the doctor proclaimed zaavan to have rotovirus and said it was highly contagious. so, i promptly went home, called my store and talked with my assistant manager to tell her the diagnosis and that if she wanted me to come to work, i could. she told me that she would rather have me stay home than create an epidemic at the store. hallelujah!!!
so now, out of the blue and, to me, quite like a gift, i have a full 7 days before i need to be back to work. the time together is something my family sorely needs. and i am truly grateful for it, no matter why it came. thank god for vomit.

how did the chicken cross the red sea? ...... he chartered a ferry.

2005-11-01T14:28:00.000-06:00

i have heard several people over the course of my life ask, "where are the miracles?" i know people like to think that a great parking spot can be god intervening in life and i'm not here to say whether it is or isn't. i'm talking more about clear cut god interventions when they were needed in life. and perhaps, in our western society, that is precisely the problem. we never put ourselves in positions of complete dependance on god. so god doesn't do radical things for us. not because he can't or won't but rather because it is unnecessary. one: perhaps we haven't followed him into a place where he has lead us, and two: we have made sure, even if we have followed him, to make sure we can provide for ourselves just in case he should ever fail us. so the amazing is not needed. does anyone have any stories from childhood or adulthood of god coming through in absolutely amazing ways so that we may strengthen and edify each other towards a more radical trust in the one who should be and the one who desires to be our true provider?

good grief

2005-10-29T10:53:00.000-05:00

i wasn't going to say anything. honest. but then i heard this guy on the radio last night and i thought i should start an open dialogue and find out what the people at large think. halloween. is it a problem? really? dressing up like power rangers and princesses and going door to door in search of gooey and delicious treats? this is a problem? a night where the community comes together to do something positive and enetertaining for its children? we can't support this? is it because we haven't stolen it and put a "christian" spin on it as we have with christmas and easter? those holidays certainly have pagan roots, but we don't mind celebrating them. why halloween? as far as i know there is no law that you must have black mass in order to observe halloween. certainly, we need to listen to paul when he says, "One person regards one day above another, another regards every day alike. Each person must be fully convinced in his own mind." and again, "whatever is not from faith is sin." if, for some reason, you feel in your heart of hearts that you are super evil person number one for being involved in halloween, then don't do it. i'm just curious as to why this holiday and not the other holidays with pagan roots? why take such a hardline stance against children dressing up and gathering candy and spooky stories and NOT take a hardline stance against the rampant greed and commercialism that has hijacked the celebration of the birth of our king? why diassociate ourselves from the american celebration of halloween and NOT the american celebration of christmas? how about this year NONE of us buy trees or presents or wrapping paper or listen to those same old songs over and over? how about this year, we don't even acknowledge that its christmas time except for a small candle light service on christmas eve and then spending the whole day on christmas in focused prayer and worship with the family?

calling all artists

2005-10-26T07:43:00.000-05:00

as you know, recently, zaavan finally got his medically necessary bed. however, it came with these very bland beige pads on the inside. i'm sure that they are not too thrilling to look at, so... i was wondering if any of our artist friends would be interested in investing some time and non-toxic paints into these pads to give him something to look at while he lays there inbetween waking and sleeping? i think it would be better for stimulating his mind. what do you think? any takers?

for love of the game

2005-10-25T09:52:00.000-05:00

i don't think that football is evil in and of itself. if you've been keeping up, you know that i don't think anything is intrinsically evil. rather, i think that we as a nation spend too much in the way of time money and affection and believe that the game of football has, for many both out and in the church, become an idol. football games actually affect church attendance, and it makes me ashamed.

it amazes me to see how much people are willing to put into football. the time. the conversation. the passion. and the money. my goodness. could you imagine what we could do for the hurricane victims if everyone spent the money and time that is spent on football for just one day? from players' salaries, sportscasters' salaries (don't get me started on the uselessness of sportscasters), money for all the broadcasts, money spent by advertisers, to tickets, all the food and beer and body paint and jerseys and throw rugs and pillows and banners and foam fingers and blah blah blah? and that's the money part. how about time? from thinking about it when you wake up that day, to watching all 3 hours of the game, and then talking about it exponetially for the rest of the day? what about for a whole year? what if we spent as much time, energy, and resources on sheltering the homeless or making sure everyone in the world was fed? or were intimately tied to god? and that's just the one sport. this doesn't even count the other sports or the movie, music, and entertainment industry and our passions and resources we have tied up in these things. i'm not saying that these things are wrong. i'm simply saying that we should all prayerfully consider how much of our lives we invest in these temporary things. i'm not entirely sure, but i think we're going to have to answer for this one day and it scares me.

two thoughts today

2005-10-18T01:02:00.000-05:00

1. i wanted to make a t shirt that says "football is not important". then i thought i might get beat up, so i decided not to. after the row that was caused when i wore the "christian girl" hoodie, i decided to leave well enough alone. but if you have the guts, by all means, i will see you get one.

2. when i rock out, i worship. something exists in music that i love. it is completely intangible, but it is felt none the less. i call it "the groove". when all the musicians are in sync and in "the groove". tapping into that is what creates a deep abiding love for that musician or group. i discovered that when i am in the groove and really throwing abandon to the wind and just rocking out, i worship. i think everyone does. you can see evidence of this in the music industry and people's reaction to it. the celebrity making machine. when people rock out, they worship. usually, they turn their affections towards the music makers because they don't know any better. but just because this is the case does not make rocking out a bad thing. i think a lot of churches have been shy about throwing themselves into the depths and sonic waves of modern music for peters brothers induced fears about demons and rock and roll. which begs a couple of retro petra moments to mind. the backwards part before 'judas's kiss' which says, "what are you looking for the devil for when you ought to be lookin' for the lord?" or the seminal classic that was evntually covered by kiss after a lawsuit, 'god gave rock n roll to you'. all i know is that one thing in my life remains constant. when i rock out, i worship.

one of my most favoritist memories in life, one of my top five moments of all time, was singing 'black' with about 30,000 other people at once with complete recklessness. beautiful.